Meltdowns- behaving as an adult when your child doesn't

 Care-giving for a 17 Year old Autistic Kid is easy- right?

"Fuck You"! This is a word that signals a potential meltdown in our house. Being raised as a Christian where swearing was forbidden, I find it somewhat amusing to be now living in a house and care-giving for a 17 year old who cannot remove this phrase from his core vocabulary.  I think I do sometimes mutter 'god help me' under my breath when a meltdown is brewing, but I'm fully aware that even 'He' won't be able to stop it.

The 17 year old  I care-give for only had his ASD diagnosis just before his 17th birthday.  At this stage he was living at home with his parents.  I had heard the yelling and swearing over the fence from my beach house with him and his family- you'd have to be deaf to miss it!  I never knew that 3 months later, he'd be doing the same thing in my house!

Such a brave lad to ask me to help him, and then ask my husband and I if he could come and live with us.  I'm still not sure why he picked us to try and help him.  I think he just knew that I would do all I could to get the professional help he needed and he felt he would not get it staying in such a remote rural location.

I so love an Aspies intelligence and ability to think outside the square.  That topic for another day....!

Welcome to the world of Meltdowns

When I saw the first 'Meltdown' I didn't know what it was.  He was so furious.  It was the first week in our city home and he stormed out the front door and up the road...at night!  He was yelling and I was so concerned about what our neighbours would be thinking!  So I chased him up the road, begging him to come back.  He kept saying 'NO!' Just leave me alone "Fuck You".  I can't even recall what this first meltdown was over.  Possibly something like putting his shoes in his room or similar.  Something highly insignificant- I do know that!  So I kept chasing him.  I had bare-feet and no mobile phone.  I had ran out the door in such a hurry as I was so concerned for him and his safety.  He kept telling me to leave him alone, I then grabbed his arm and begged him to come back "DO NOT TOUCH ME!" so I chose to ignore him.  Bad move.  He was getting more and more worked up.  He tore away from me and stormed off up the road again.  This time my husband had his car and was driving along beside him.  Yet another wrong move!  He was getting so furious and we could not understand why.  Our rookie mistake following him was making him 10 times worse.  I retreated, realising I could not do anything and my husband somehow managed to get him in the car.  They drove off and I went home.  When they finally came back, he went straight to his room where he stayed for the rest of the night.  My stomach was churning.  I felt physically sick.  What had I done?  He had only been here a few days and I just asked him to do something simple....I was replaying everything in my head.  I had no idea what had just happened.  The next day, no apology and he was back to normal.  I was dumbfounded.
Since then, there have been many, many meltdowns.  That in fact was so mild that it has almost gone from memory.  In a nutshell, I've since seen car exhausts smashed onto car roves, cell-phones been thrown and smashed, windows being smashed and more.  I have now become educated and I no longer blame myself, and I no longer chase him when he flees.  This blog is meant to be read as a survival guide and after each pre-amble I will give a tip on the subject area.

 11 Tips: Behave like an Adult when your Autistic child does not.

1. In a calm time, agree an Aggression level system. 

We use a 1-5 scale.  1-2 I can hug him or he can self calm.  Level 3 - do not touch him and let him walk. Level 4-5 he is going to smash something or someone up.  Keep him and property safe, move out of the way, keep him away from cars and people if you can.

2.  Never-ever chase them when they walk away- this is a calming technique and they need alone time.

Sometimes things will just become totally overwhelming and too much for the brain to process.  This is one of the most important coping techniques.  Just make sure they are safe as you can.  They will come back when they are ready.

3. If they yell, no matter what- do not yell back.

This is a critical point.  By the time your Aspie is yelling, its usually too late to try anything specific to calm them on the lower end of the scale.  As hard as it is, you must remain calm and speak in an everyday voice.  Even the slightest hint of a negative tone can really set them off.  Just remember they don't want to be like this and you best bet is to ignore what's actually coming out of their mouth and try and visualise them as the calm child you want them to be.

4. In escalated times try and refocus their attention on something completely different

If you get the chance, try and discuss anything but what ever has set them off.  They will still be fixated on that thing for several hours, but you have to be quite matter of fact and just speak about what you might be doing for dinner or similar.  Its a hard technique to perfect but you need to make the world around them normal again or as normal as possible.

5. Never ever get involved in a conversation with your child in an escalated moment about their obsessive objects.

For my 17 year old Aspire, his special things are keys, aerials and CB radios.  If any one of these things is even mentioned in an escalated state, be it on yourself to take the consequences.  I tried once to take his car keys off him when in a rage- he came straight at me.  When I raised that he installed a CB radio without asking in one of our work cars, he went off and literally ripped it out of the car and damaged wiring that he could not remember doing after the event.  On mentioning an Aerial was rattling in the back of the car on one trip home, we asked him to stop and sort it out- he opened the boot, grabbed it and threw it down a bank and sulked for 2 hours.  Just stay silent about the object and raised it with them when not escalated.

6. When they say 'don't touch me', they mean it.

Establish times in calm moments when it is an is not OK to touch them in a meltdown- it then becomes safer for everyone.

7. Don't think up new rules on the spot for something they have done wrong and tell them when they are in a meltdown

Telling someone in a meltdown that you are going to take their car off them for lying about where they took it the night before will get you no-where if you have not discussed that and written it down as a possible consequence well in advance.  I tried this once, it ended up with him crashing his car, Police trying to track him down all over town, then being arrested, restrained and taken to the Mental Health Unit in hospital.  It was a 10 hour meltdown and was probably the worst yet.  If you haven't made a rule for the scenario, meltdowns are not a time to suddenly become creative!  Just strike it down to your bad luck that you hadn't thought the situation might arise.

8. Write a list of every possible bad thing that you might think they will do in normal life and a meltdown and then write next to them potential consequences.  Discuss and set with child.

Not only should you have a list, you should get the child to help set the consequences with you.  You must do this in a neutral environment and make sure you both have a copy of the list. This way you can refer back to the list that you 'set together' so they were part of the process.

9. Find your own chill out technique during a meltdown

My first few experiences of meltdowns were scary.  They got worse and turned into rages where things were smashed up- windows, car doors, car roofs, phones and more.  You need to remember that once in this state, your ASD child just has to play it out.  Now I tend to just watch and calmly talk to him.  When he storms off (he always does) I then go inside and either turn the TV or radio on, start some cooking or turn the jug on to make a cuppa.  You need to have a routine that you follow that makes you calm and just try hard to focus on anything else but what is going on.  I'm getting much better at this now.  I don't have the churning stomach anymore and I know that I've done all I can by talking to him calmly and that I can't do anything more than telling him I love him and to come back when he is calm.  Its hard to do but a must for you to survive.

10.  Inform neighbours or those in earshot and local police of your child's Autism

Before my 17 year old Aspie moved in with us, we went an email to the neighbours explaining we were giving him a second chance and he had had a rough past.  At this stage we never knew about the meltdowns, only that he had Anger Management issues. Within the first week he was onto his first meltdown and I am so pleased I told the neighbours.  They would have seen me running out of the house in my bare feet, chasing down an angry teenager who was yelling at the top of his voice.  I'm sure they must of been thinking- yup- she doesn't know what she is doing!  And they would have been right to start with!  The police are also great resource and can really help you if you need it.  If your child is in danger or other peoples property or other people, call the police and explain about the Autism.  They are trained in these areas and understand what they are dealing with- its a good thing to have them flagged with the Police to keep them safe in case anything does escalate.

11. Discuss afterwards

I've always been in two minds about this as sometimes he remembers the even and others he does not and gets terribly upset when you let him know what he has smashed up or what he said in his meltdown.  I do find using the discussion helpful to talk about the triggers and try and get them to work on prevention as a focus.  Its important to acknowledge the event and to find positive coping strategies so the next one might either not happen or be less severe..